StockFetcher Forums · General Discussion · JOKES<< 1 ... 11 12 13 14 15 ... 26 >>Post Follow-up
johnpaulca
10,094 posts
msg #71825
Ignore johnpaulca
2/27/2009 2:14:42 PM

Now that Vancouver will host the 2010 Winter Olympics, these are some questions people from all over the world are asking.
Believe it or not these questions about Canada were posted on an International Tourism Website.
Obviously the answers are a joke; but the questions were really asked!


Q: I have never seen it warm on Canadian TV, so how do the plants grow? ( England )
A. We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around and watch them die.


Q: Will I be able to see Polar Bears in the street? ( USA )
A: Depends on how much you've been drinking.


Q: I want to walk from Vancouver to Toronto - can I follow the Railroad tracks? ( Sweden )
A: Sure, it's only Four thousand miles, take lots of water.

Q: Is it safe to run around in the bushes in Canada ? ( Sweden )
A: So it's true what they say about Swedes.


Q: Are there any ATM's (cash machines) in Canada ? Can you send me a list of them in Toronto , Vancouver , Edmonton and Halifax ? ( England )
A: What, did your last slave die?

Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Canada ? ( USA )
A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe Ca-na-da is that big country to your North...oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Calgary . Come naked.

Q: Which direction is North in Canada ? ( USA )
A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions.

Q: Can I bring cutlery into Canada ? ( England )
A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.

Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? ( USA )
A: Aus-t ri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is...oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Vancouver and in Calgary , straight after the hippo races. Come naked.

Q: Do you have perfume in Canada ? ( Germany )
A: No, WE don't stink.


Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Where can I sell it in Canada ? ( USA )
A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.


Q: Can you tell me the regions in British Columbia where the female population is smaller than the male population? ( Italy )
A: Yes, gay nightclubs.


Q: Do you celebrate Thanksgiving in Canada ? ( USA )
A: Only at Thanksgiving.

Q: Are there supermarkets in Toronto and is milk available all year round? ( Germany )
A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of Vegan hunter/gathers. Milk is illegal.

Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Canada , but I forget its name. It's a kind of big horse with horns. ( USA )
A: It's called a Moose. They are tall and very violent, eating the brains of anyone walking close to them. You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.


Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? ( USA )
A: Yes, but you will have to learn it first.




Eman93
4,572 posts
msg #71832
Ignore Eman93
2/28/2009 12:56:52 PM

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YVQZ3gMfsdQ

petrolpeter
439 posts
msg #72499
Ignore petrolpeter
modified
3/11/2009 2:06:05 PM

Any good Obama pics out there?

Image and video hosting by TinyPic

johnpaulca
10,094 posts
msg #72682
Ignore johnpaulca
3/13/2009 4:26:42 PM

My private part died



An old man, Mr. Wallace, was living in a nursing home.

One day he appeared to be very sad and depressed.

Nurse Tracy asked him if there was anything wrong,

' Yes, Nurse Tracy , ' said Mr. Wallace.

' My Private Part died today, and I am very sad. '

Knowing her patients were a little forgetful and sometimes a little crazy,
she replied, ' Oh, I ' m so sorry, Mr. Wallace. Please accept my condolences. '

The following day, Mr. Wallace was walking down the hall with his Private Part
hanging out of his pajamas.

He met Nurse Tracy. ' Mr. Wallace, ' she said,
'You shouldn ' t be walking down the hall like that.

Please put your Private Part back inside your pajamas. '

' But, Nurse Tracy I can ' t, ' replied Mr. Wallace.
'I told you yesterday that my Private Part died.

' Yes, ' said Nurse Tracy, ' you did tell me that,
but why is it hanging out of your pajamas? '

' Well, ' he replied, ' Today is the viewing. '

johnpaulca
10,094 posts
msg #73214
Ignore johnpaulca
4/1/2009 11:32:55 PM

What gender is a 'computer'



A SPANISH Teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike English,
nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine.

'House'
for instance, is feminine: 'la casa.'

'Pencil,'
however, is masculine: 'el lapiz.'

A
student asked, 'What gender is 'computer'?'

Instead
of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups, male
and female, and asked them to decide for themselves

whether 'computer' should be a masculine or a feminine noun.
Each group was asked to give four reasons for its
recommendation.

The
men's group decided that 'computer' should definitely be of the feminine gender
('la computadora'), because:

1.
No one but their creator understands their internal
logic;

2.
The native language they use to communicate with other computers is
incomprehensible to everyone else;

3.
Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible
later retrieval; and

4.
As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending
half your paycheck on accessories for it.


(WAIT,
THIS GETS BETTER!)


The
women's group, however, concluded that computers should be Masculine ('el
computador'), because:

1.
In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them
on;

2.
They have a lot of data but still can't think for
themselves;

3.
They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they
ARE the problem; and

4.
As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little
longer, you could have gotten a better model


The
women won.


johnpaulca
10,094 posts
msg #73490
Ignore johnpaulca
4/13/2009 12:03:36 AM



Three blondes died and found themselves standing before St.Peter.

He told them that before they could enter the Kingdom, they had to tell him what Easter represented.

The first blonde, an American, said "Easter is a holiday where they have a big feast and we give thanks and eat turkey."

St. Peter said, "Noooooo," and he banished her to Hell.

The second blonde, a Brit, said "Easter is when we celebrate Jesus' birth and exchange gifts." St. Peter said, "Noooooo," and he banished her to Hell.

The third blonde, a Canadian, said she knew what Easter was, and St. Peter said,"So, tell me."

She said, "Easter is a Christian holiday that coincides with the Jewish festival of Passover. Jesus was having Passover feast with His disciples when He was betrayed by Judas, and the Romans arrested Him. The Romans hung Him on the cross and eventually He died. Then they buried Him in a tomb behind a very large boulder... "

St. Peter said, "Verrrrrry good."

Then the blonde continued, "Now, every year the Jews roll away the boulder and Jesus comes out. If he sees his shadow, we have six more weeks of hockey."

St. Peter fainted.

az_man
1 posts
msg #73654
Ignore az_man
4/19/2009 12:49:37 AM

If girls with big breasts work at HOOTERS, what do you call the place one legged girls work.........................I HOP

Eman93
4,572 posts
msg #73661
Ignore Eman93
4/19/2009 11:51:10 AM



johnpaulca
10,094 posts
msg #73672
Ignore johnpaulca
4/19/2009 3:33:21 PM

TheRumpledOne
- Ignore TheRumpledOne 2/17/2009 1:57:40 PM

Way too funny!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8AyVh1_vWYQ&feature=subscription

**********************************************************************************************************************************

Eman...Avery posted that link before.....that was stupid funny.

johnpaulca
10,094 posts
msg #73708
Ignore johnpaulca
4/20/2009 9:14:23 AM

TEXAS MIDGET




The testicles of a Texas midget hurt and ached all the time. The midget went to the doctor and told him about his problem.. The doctor told him to drop his pants and he would have a look. The midget dropped his pants. The doctor stood him up onto the examining table, and started to examine him.

The doctor put one finger under his left testicle and told the midget to turn his head and cough, the usual method to check for a hernia. "Hmm..." mumbled the doctor, and as he put his finger under the right testicle, he asked the midget to cough again. "Aha!" said the doctor, and reached for his surgical scissors... Snip-snip-snip-snip on the right side... Then snip-snip-snip-snip on the left side.

The midget was so scared he was afraid to look, but noted with amazement that the snipping did not hurt. The doctor then told the midget to walk around the examining room to see if his testicles still hurt.

The midget was absolutely delighted as he walked around and discovered his testicles were no longer aching The doctor said, "How does that feel now?" The midget replied, "Perfect Doc, and I didn't even feel it.. What did you do?" The doctor replied "I cut two inches off the top of your cowboy boots...

StockFetcher Forums · General Discussion · JOKES<< 1 ... 11 12 13 14 15 ... 26 >>Post Follow-up

*** Disclaimer *** StockFetcher.com does not endorse or suggest any of the securities which are returned in any of the searches or filters. They are provided purely for informational and research purposes. StockFetcher.com does not recommend particular securities. StockFetcher.com, Vestyl Software, L.L.C. and involved content providers shall not be liable for any errors or delays in the content, or for any actions taken based on the content.


Copyright 2016 - Vestyl Software L.L.C.Terms of Service | License | Questions or comments? Contact Us
EOD Data sources: DDFPlus & CSI Data Quotes delayed during active market hours. Delay times are at least 15 mins for NASDAQ, 20 mins for NYSE and Amex. Delayed intraday data provided by DDFPlus