StockFetcher Forums · General Discussion · JOKES<< 1 2 3 4 5 ... 26 >>Post Follow-up
TheRumpledOne
6,358 posts
msg #50675
Ignore TheRumpledOne
3/25/2007 10:03:51 PM

Beware What You Wish For ........

A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him. The
waitress asks them for their orders.

The man says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to the ostrich,
"What's yours?" "I'll have the same," says the ostrich.

A short time later the waitress returns with the order "That will be $9.40
please," and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change
for payment.

The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, "A
hamburger, fries and a coke."

The ostrich says, "I'll have the same." Again the man reaches into his
pocket and pays with exact change.

This becomes routine until the two enter again. "The usual?" asks the
waitress.

"No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and a
salad," says the man. "Same," says the ostrich.

Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, "That will be $32.62."

Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it
on
the table.

The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. "Excuse me, sir.
How do you manage to always come up with the exact change in your pocket
every time?"

"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and found
an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes.
My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put
my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there."

"That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would ask for a million
dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long
as you live!"

"That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact
money is always there," says the man.

The waitress asks, "What's with the ostrich?"

The man sighs, pauses and answers, "My second wish was for a tall chick
with a big ass and long legs who agrees with everything I say."


TheRumpledOne
6,358 posts
msg #50685
Ignore TheRumpledOne
3/26/2007 12:14:06 PM

Men strike back!
How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened when she brings it.
------------------------------------------------------------------
Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.
------------------------------------------------------------------
Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.
------------------------------------------------------------------
How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts a sentence with "A man once told me..."
------------------------------------------------------------------
How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't. There is a clock on the oven.
------------------------------------------------------------------
Why do men pass gas more than women?
Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required pressure.
------------------------------------------------------------------
If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.
------------------------------------------------------------------
What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A woman who won't do what she's told
------------------------------------------------------------------
I married a Miss Right.
I just didn't know her first name was Always.
------------------------------------------------------------------
Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%.
It's called a Wedding Cake.
------------------------------------------------------------------
Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.
------------------------------------------------------------------
Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
------------------------------------------------------------------
In the beginning, God created the earth and rested.
Then God created Man and rested.
Then God created Woman.
Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.
------------------------------------------------------------------
Send this to a few good men who need a laugh and to the select few women who can handle the truth!



nikoschopen
2,824 posts
msg #50686
Ignore nikoschopen
3/26/2007 7:07:01 PM

LOL. First, we had the self-proclaimed anti-immigration honcho, now we have a born-again sexist in its most bare incarnation.

heypa
283 posts
msg #50689
Ignore heypa
3/26/2007 7:31:10 PM

Question? Why do men get divorced? Answer. Because it's worth it.

TheRumpledOne
6,358 posts
msg #50851
Ignore TheRumpledOne
4/4/2007 6:08:33 AM

woo woo!

http://www.extremefunnypictures.com/funnypic2023.htm

futuremoney
27 posts
msg #51048
Ignore futuremoney
4/12/2007 9:38:58 PM

The Smiths were unable to conceive children and
decided to use a surrogate father to start their
family.

On the day the proxy father was due to arrive, Mr.
Smith kissed his wife good-bye and said, "Well, I'm
off now, the man should be here soon."

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door
baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell,
hoping to make a sale.

Good morning, Ma'am", he said, "I've come to."

Oh, no need to explain," Mrs. Smith cut in,
embarrassed, "I've been expecting you."

"Have you really?" said the photographer. "Well,
that's good. Did you know babies are my specialty?"

"Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please
come in and have a seat"

After a moment she asked, blushing, "Well, where do we
start?"

"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in
the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the
bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You
can really spread out there."

"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work
out for Harry and I!"

"Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one
every time. But if we try several different positions
and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll
be pleased with the results."

"My, that's a lot!" gasped Mrs. Smith.

"Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time.
I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but I'm
sure you'd be disappointed with that."

"Don't I know it," said Mrs. Smith quietly.

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a
portfolio of his baby pictures. "This was done on the
top of a bus," he said.

"Oh my God!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at
her throat.

"And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when
you consider their mother was so difficult to work
with."

"She was difficult?" asked Mrs. Smith.

"Yes, I'm afraid so I finally had to take her to the
park to get the job done right. People were crowding
around four and five deep to get a good look"

"Four and five deep?" said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide
with amazement.

"Yes", the photographer replied. "And for more than
three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing
and yelling - I could hardly concentrate, and when
darkness approached I had to rush my shots.
Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my
equipment, I just had to pack it all in."

Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "Do you mean they actually
chewed on your, uh equipment?"
"It's true, Ma'am, yes. Well, if you're ready,
I'll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away."

"Tripod?"

"Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my
Canon on. It's much too big to be held in the hand
very long."

Mrs. Smith fainted.

betyerbottomdollar
169 posts
msg #51166
Ignore betyerbottomdollar
4/16/2007 7:13:11 PM

How do you kill a circus?

Go for the juggler.

msummer2007
129 posts
msg #51167
Ignore msummer2007
4/16/2007 7:36:17 PM

A married couple are in the master bedroom bathroom in the morning. The husband Robert is shaving at the sink, when his wife Rachael steps out of the shower and grabs a towel. She walks up to the steamed mirror, and wiping it clean with her towel, notices how small her breasts are. So she cups them in her hand, to imagine what they would look like larger and better formed. Rachael asks her husband Robert, would you enjoy sex more with me if my breasts were larger. Robert, not paying attention tells her that her breasts are just perfect the way they are. Now, Rachael is serious, and asks her husband if she can have a breast enlargement procedure. So Robert tells her, she doesn't need that. She should just rub toilet paper on her breasts everyday for the next 6 months. That will make them a lot larger. Rachael says that won't work. Robert replies yes it will, just look what it did for your ass.

TheRumpledOne
6,358 posts
msg #51252
Ignore TheRumpledOne
4/20/2007 3:30:32 PM

http://www.extremefunnypictures.com/funnypic2067.htm

lockwhiz
206 posts
msg #51362
Ignore lockwhiz
4/27/2007 9:39:55 PM

HOW TO SAVE THE AIRLINES



Dump the male flight attendants. No one wanted them in the first place.

Replace all the female flight attendants with good-looking strippers! What

the hell -- They don't even serve food anymore, so what's the loss?



The strippers would at least triple the alcohol sales and get a "party

atmosphere" going in the cabin. And, of course, every businessman in this

country would start flying again, hoping to see naked women.



Because of the tips, female flight attendants wouldn't need a salary, thus

saving even more money. I suspect tips would be so good that we could

charge the women for working the plane and have them kick back 20% of the

tips, including lap dances and "special services."



Muslims would be afraid to get on the planes for fear of seeing naked women

Hijackings would come to a screeching halt, and the airline industry would

see record revenues. This is definitely a win-win situation if we handle it

right -- a golden opportunity to turn a liability into an asset.



Why didn't Bush think of this? Why do I still have to do everything myself?



Sincerely,

Bill Clinton

StockFetcher Forums · General Discussion · JOKES<< 1 2 3 4 5 ... 26 >>Post Follow-up

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