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Eman93
4,571 posts
msg #93990
Ignore Eman93
6/17/2010 8:59:14 PM

Some US Americans don't have maps......LOL

crunkle
54 posts
msg #95003
Ignore crunkle
7/22/2010 11:16:26 PM

Your Duck is Dead--

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.

After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away."

The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?" "Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied the vet..

"How can you be so sure?" she protested. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."

The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.

The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room. A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.

The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."

The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman.. The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$150!"

She cried, "$150 just to tell me my duck is dead!" The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now $150."


johnpaulca
10,082 posts
msg #95042
Ignore johnpaulca
7/23/2010 6:37:47 PM

'Mom, may I take the dog for a walk



A little girl asked her Mom, 'Mom, may I take the dog for a walk around the
block?' Mom replies, 'No, because she is in heat.'

'What's that mean?' asked the child.

'Go ask your father. I think he's in the garage.'

The little girl goes to the garage and says, 'Dad, may I take Belle for a
walk around the block? I asked Mom, but she said the dog was in heat, and to
come to you.'

Dad said, 'Bring Belle over here.' He took a rag, soaked it with gasoline,
and scrubbed the dog's backside with it to disguise the scent, and said
'OK, you can go now, but keep Belle on the leash and only go one time round
the block.'

The little girl left and returned a few minutes later with no dog on the
leash. Surprised, Dad asked, 'Where's Belle?'

( YOU'RE GONNA LOVE THIS!!!!!!! !! )

The little girl said, 'She ran out of gas about halfway down the block, so
another dog is pushing her home.'


johnpaulca
10,082 posts
msg #95047
Ignore johnpaulca
7/23/2010 11:43:59 PM

Dr Visit for a colonoscopy?


I went into my proctologist's office for my first rectal exam.
His new nurse, Evelyn, took me to an examining room
And told me to get undressed and have a seat
Until the doctor could see me .
She said that he would only be a few minutes.

After putting on the gown that she gave me
I sat down
While waiting I observed
That there were three items on a stand
Next to the exam table:

A Tube of K-Y jelly,
A rubber glove
And a beer .

When the doctor finally came in I said,
"Look Doc, I'm a little confused
This is my first exam ..
I know what the K-Y is for
And I know what the glove is for,

But can you tell me what the BEER is for?

At that Doctor Paul became noticeably outraged and stormed over to the door.

He flung the door open and yelled to his nurse .. . . . . .

Darn it, Evelyn !!!

I said a BUTT LIGHT "


johnpaulca
10,082 posts
msg #95295
Ignore johnpaulca
7/30/2010 2:27:44 PM

Canadian Political Correctness:

Due to the climate of political correctness now pervading Canada ,


Albertans will no longer be referred to as'Rednecks.'


You must now refer to them as


Rocky Mountain/Prairie Canadians.

And furthermore





HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:





1. She is not a 'BABE' or a 'CHICK' - She is a
' BREASTED Canadian.'





2. She is not 'EASY' - She is


'HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE.'

(Loved this one!)





3. She is not a 'DUMB BLONDE' - She is a


'LIGHT-HAIRED DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY.'





4. She has not 'BEEN AROUND' - She is a


'PREVIOUSLY-ENJOYED COMPANION.'





5. She does not 'NAG' you - She becomes


' VERBALLY REPETITIVE.'





6. She is not a 'TWO-BIT HOOKER' - She is a


' LOW COST PROVIDER.'





HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT MEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:





1. He does not have a 'BEER GUT' - He has developed a

'LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY.'





2. He is not a 'BAD DANCER' - He is


' OVERLY CAUCASIAN..'





3. He does not 'GET LOST ALL THE TIME' - He

' INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS..'





4. He is not 'BALDING' - He is in

'FOLLICLE REGRESSION.'





5. He does not act like a 'TOTAL ASS' - He develops a case of

RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION.'





6. It's not his 'CRACK' you see hanging out of his pants - It's

'REAR CLEAVAGE.



karennma
6,386 posts
msg #95933
Ignore karennma
9/1/2010 11:29:17 AM

During these serious and trying times, people of all faiths should remember
these four great religious truths:


1. Muslims do not recognize Jews as God's chosen people.



2. Jews do not recognize Christ as the Messiah.



3. Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christian world.



4. Baptists do not recognize each other at Hooters or the liquor store.



johnpaulca
10,082 posts
msg #95979
Ignore johnpaulca
9/3/2010 10:47:54 AM

This was written by a black gentleman in Texas and is so funny. What a great sense of humour
And creativity!!!

When U Black, U Black

When I was born, I was BLACK ,
When I grew up, I was BLACK ,
When I went in the sun, I stayed BLACK,
When I got cold, I was BLACK ,
When I was scared, I was BLACK ,
When I was sick, I was BLACK ,
And when I die, I'll still be BLACK .
NOW, You 'white' folks....

When you're born, you're PINK,
When you grow-up, you're WHITE ,
When you go in the sun, you get RED,
When you're cold, you turn BLUE,
When you're scared, you're YELLOW,
When you get sick, you're GREEN
When you bruise, you turn PURPLE ,
And when you die, you look GRAY.
So who y'all be callin'
COLORED Folks?


TheRumpledOne
6,358 posts
msg #96038
Ignore TheRumpledOne
9/6/2010 12:15:31 PM

OLDIE BUT GOODIE:

NINE WORDS WOMEN USE.


(1) Fine: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.

(2) Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.

(3) Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with "nothing" usually end in "fine".

(4) Go Ahead:This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!

(5) Loud Sigh:This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to # 3 for the meaning of nothing.)

(6) That's Okay:This is one of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a man. "That's okay" means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.

(7) Thanks: A woman is thanking you, do not question, or faint. Just say you're welcome. (I want to add in a clause here - This is true, unless she says 'Thanks a lot' - that is PURE sarcasm and she is not thanking you at all. DO NOT say 'you're welcome' . That will bring on a "whatever").

(8) Whatever: Is a woman's way of saying F-- YOU!

(9) Don't worry about it, I got it:Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has asked a man to do several times with no results, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking 'What's wrong?' For the woman's response refer to # 3.


dwiggains
370 posts
msg #96052
Ignore dwiggains
9/7/2010 9:37:14 AM

TheRumpledOne

I like.

See ya
David

taylorsk
106 posts
msg #96091
Ignore taylorsk
9/8/2010 9:12:29 PM

Gravy..Can you buy Gravy futures? Now is the time to get in....I think demand will probably peak in the US in Late November or maybe late December....You know just looking at past preformance...!!

StockFetcher Forums · General Discussion · JOKES<< 1 ... 19 20 21 22 23 ... 26 >>Post Follow-up

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