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abelincoln
126 posts
msg #88873
Ignore abelincoln
2/28/2010 7:26:10 PM

...1 last joke one for the road


"What's the latest dope on Wall Street?" "My son!"


Long live Henny Youngman (King of one liners)

crunkle
54 posts
msg #88979
Ignore crunkle
3/2/2010 9:54:13 PM

How about a little Rodney Dangerfield:

"My uncle got arrested for sodomy. Good thing he knew the judge - he got the charges reduced to tailgaiting."

"I looked into my daughters high school yearbook. She's been voted most likely to conceive."

A hooker told me "not on the first date!"

crunkle
54 posts
msg #88980
Ignore crunkle
modified
3/2/2010 10:45:20 PM

One morning four Catholic men and a Catholic woman were sipping coffee at the diner.

The first Catholic man said, "you know, my son is a priest and whenever he walks into a room people stand up and say ' Oh,Father'.

The second man said, "my son is a bishop and when he walks into a room people stand up and say Oh, Your Grace'.

The third man said, "my son is a cardinal and when he walks in people stand and say , Oh,Your Eminence'.

Man #4 said, "my son is the pope and when he walk in the room people stand up and say "Oh, Your Holiness'.

The four men then all looked over at the woman as if to say well.........

The woman took a moment while she looked them over and then said "I don't have any sons, but I do have a daughter. Her measurements are 38 - 24 - 36 and she's drop-dead georgeous. When she walks into a room people stand up and say 'Oh My God'

crunkle
54 posts
msg #89437
Ignore crunkle
modified
3/11/2010 3:38:55 PM

A month of Rodney Dangerfield

February 1
I tell ya, with my wife I got no sex life. Just when I get going, she wakes up.

February 2
I`m trying a new diet now. The diet is Viagra and prune juice. I tell ya, I don`t know if I`m coming or going.

February 3
Oh, I was an ugly kid. My old man took me to the zoo. They thanked him for returning me.

February 4
I don`t get no respect. I joined Gambler`s Anonymous. They gave me two to one I don`t make it.

February 5
I tell ya, blind dates never work out. I had a blind date. The girl, she showed up, she was pregnant. What do ya say to a girl that`s pregnant? What have you been doing lately? And she told me she had a fight with her boyfriend. I said, "Look, you tell your boyfriend next time you fight, he should knock you down."

February 6
I tell ya, my wife, she likes to talk during sex. The other night she called me from a motel.

February 7
I tell ya, I come from a tough neighborhood. Why, just last week some guy pulled a knife on me. I could see it wasn`t a real professional job. There was butter on it.

February 8
I get no respect. I was crossing the street. I got hit by a mobile library. I was lying there in pain, screaming. The guy looked at me. He went, "Shhhh."

February 9
I tell ya, I`m not a sexy guy. I was with one girl, I said to her, "Come on honey, I`ll show ya where it`s at." She said, "You`d better, `cause the last time I couldn`t find it."

February 10
Last Christmas I got no respect. I gave my kid a BB gun. He gave me a sweatshirt with a bullseye in the back!

February 11
I tell ya, a lot of people are in bad shape. A guy stopped me in the street the other day. He told me he hasn`t eaten in five days. I told him, I said, "I wish I had your will power."

February 12
With my wife I don't get no respect. When I had diabetes she kept sending me candy grams.

February 13
I don't get no respect. I called Suicide Prevention. They tried to talk me into it.

February 14
I don't get no respect. I told my psychiatrist I got suicidal tendencies. He said from now on I have to pay in advance.

February 15
Hey , I don't get respect from anyone. Why, American Airlines, they thanked me for flying United.

February 16
I tell ya when I fly, I don't get no respect. I took one of those cheap flights, no frills. I finished eatin and had to do the dishes.

February 17
I tell ya when I fly I got no confidence in the pilot. When he makes a left turn he puts his hand out.

February 18
I tell ya I get no respect from anyone. I bought a cemetary plot. The guy said, "There goes the neighborhood!"

February 19
I get no respect at all. I donated to a sperm bank. Now I'm the father of three puppies.

February 20
I get no respect. This last week my tie was on fire. Some guy tried to put it out with an ax!

February 21
It was the same thing in the army, no respect. They gave me a uniform that glowed in the dark.

February 22
When I was a kid I got no respect. The time I was lost on the beach and the cop helped me look for my parents I said, "Do you think we'll find them?" He said, "I don't know, kid, there's so many places they could hide."

February 23
I tellin ya I get no respect. When I was in Switzerland, I got an obscene yodel.

February 24
Last Christmas I got no respect. In my stocking, I got an Odor-Eater.

February 25
I tell ya I get no respect. I told my dentist to put in a new tooth to match my other teeth. He put in a tooth with four cavities.

February 26
With my wife I get no respect. I took her to a drive-in movie. I spent the whole night tryin to find out what car she was in.

February 27
With my wife I don't get no respect. She told me when we have sex, that's the only time I make her laugh.

February 28
With my wife I don't get no respect. I bought a used car. And found my wife's dress in the back seat.


johnpaulca
10,087 posts
msg #90924
Ignore johnpaulca
4/8/2010 11:52:33 AM

Tough Love vs. Spanking - Good Argument

Most people think it improper to spank children, so I have tried other methods to control my kids when they have one of 'those moments.'

One that I found effective is for me to just take the child for a car ride and talk.

Some say it's the vibration from the car, others say it's the time away from any distractions such as TV, Video Games, Computer, IPod, etc.

Either way, my kids usually calm down and stop misbehaving after our car ride together. Eye to eye contact helps a lot too..

I've included a photo below of one of my sessions with my son, in case you would like to use the technique.


























Image and video hosting by TinyPic

johnpaulca
10,087 posts
msg #90984
Ignore johnpaulca
4/9/2010 2:36:42 PM

CARDIOLOGIST'S FUNERAL

A very prestigious cardiologist died, and was given
a very elaborate Funeral
by the hospital he worked for most of his life... A
huge Heart... Covered in
flowers stood behind the casket during the service As all
the doctors from
the hospital sat in awe. Following the eulogy, The
heart opened, and the
casket rolled inside. The heart then closed, Sealing the
doctor in the
beautiful heart forever..

At that point, one of the mourners just -burst- into
laughter. When all Eyes
stared at him, he said, 'I am so sorry, I was just
thinking of my Own
funeral... I'm a gynecologist.

The proctologist fainted.


DMOBRIEN
355 posts
msg #91121
Ignore DMOBRIEN
4/13/2010 3:33:05 AM

In my inbox =)

They're Back! Those wonderful Church Bulletins! Thank God for church ladies with typewriters. These sentences (with all the BLOOPERS) actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church services:


The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.
--------------------------
The sermon this morning: 'Jesus Walks on the Water.' The sermon tonight: 'Searching for Jesus.'
--------------------------
Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.
--------------------------
Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say 'Hell' to someone who doesn't care much about you.
--------------------------
Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.
--------------------------
Miss Charlene Mason sang 'I will not pass this way again,' giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
--------------------------
For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
--------------------------
Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.
--------------------------
Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
--------------------------
A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow...
--------------------------
At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be 'What Is Hell?' Come early and listen to our choir practice.
--------------------------
Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones..
--------------------------
Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
--------------------------
Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered..
--------------------------
The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.
--------------------------
Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.
--------------------------
The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon..
--------------------------
This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
--------------------------
Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B. S. Is done.
--------------------------
The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the Congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.
--------------------------
Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.
--------------------------
The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
--------------------------
Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.
--------------------------
The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new campaign slogan last Sunday: 'I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours..




TheRumpledOne
6,358 posts
msg #91167
Ignore TheRumpledOne
4/14/2010 10:23:56 AM

Dinner Roll ..


Once upon a time I was invited to the White House for a private dinner
with the President.


I am a respected businessman, with a factory that produces memory chips

for computers and portable electronics.


There was some talk that my industry was being scrutinized by the
administration, but I paid it no mind. I live in a FREE country.
There's nothing
that the government can do to me if I've broken no laws. My wealth was
EARNED honestly, and an invitation to dinner with an American President
is an
honor.


I checked my coat, was greeted by the Chief of Staff, and joined the
President in a yellow dining room.


We sat across from each other at a table draped in white linen. The
Great
Seal was embossed on the china. Uniformed staff served our dinner.

The meal was served, and I was startled when my waiter suddenly reached

out, plucked a dinner roll off my plate and began nibbling it as he
walked
back to the kitchen..







"Sorry 'bout that," said the President. "Andrew is very hungry."


"I don't appreciate..." I began, but as I looked into the calm brown
eyes
across from me, I felt immediately guilty and petty. It was just a
dinner
roll. "Of course," I concluded, and reached for my glass.


Before I could, however, another waiter reached forward, took the glass

away and swallowed the wine in a single gulp. "And his brother, Eric,
is
very thirsty," said the President.


I didn't say anything. The President is testing my compassion, I
thought.
I withheld my comments and decided to play along. I don't want to seem
unkind..

My plate was whisked away before I had tasted a bite.

"Eric's children are also quite hungry."


With a lurch, I crashed to the floor. My chair had been pulled out from

under me.


I stood, brushing myself off angrily, and watched as it was carried
from
the room.


And their grandmother can't stand for long."

I excused myself, smiling outwardly, but inside feeling like a fool.
Obviously I had been invited to the White House to be sport for some
game. I
reached for my coat, to find that it had been taken.


I turned back to the President.


"Their grandfather doesn't like the cold."


I wanted to shout, "that was my coat!" But again, I looked at the
placid
smiling face of my host and decided I was being a poor sport. I spread
my
hands helplessly and chuckled.


Then I felt my hip pocket and realized my wallet was gone. I excused
myself and walked to a phone on an elegant side table.


I learned shortly that my credit cards had been maxed out, my bank
accounts emptied, my retirement and equity portfolios had vanished, and
my wife
had been thrown out of our home.

Apparently, the waiters and their families were moving in. The
President
hadn't moved or spoken as I learned all this, but finally I lowered the

phone into its cradle and turned to face him.

"Andrew's whole family has made bad financial decisions. They haven't
planned for retirement and they need a house. They recently defaulted
on a
subprime mortgage. I told them they could have your home. They need it
more
than you do."


My hands were shaking. I felt faint I stumbled back to the table and
knelt on the floor.


The President cheerfully cut his meat, ate his steak, and drank his
wine.
I lowered my eyes and stared at the small grey circles on the
tablecloth
that were water drops.


"By the way," he added, "I have just signed an Executive Order
nationalizing your factories.

I'm firing you as head of your business. I'll be operating the firm now

for the benefit of all mankind.

There's a whole bunch of Erics and Andrews out there and they can't
come
to you for jobs groveling like beggars...we need to spread YOUR wealth
around..."

I looked up. The President dropped his spoon into the empty ramekin
which
had been hiscrè me Brule.

He drained the last drops of his wine. As the table was cleared, he lit
a
cigarette and leaned back in his chair.

He stared at me. I clung to the edge of the table as if it were a ledge

and I were a man hanging over an abyss.


I thought of the years behind me, of the life I had lived. The life I
had
earned with a lifetime of work, risk and struggle.


Why was I punished? How had I allowed it to be taken? What game had I
played and lost? I looked across the table and noticed with some
surprise
that there was no game board between us.

What had I done wrong?

As if answering the unspoken thought, President Obama suddenly cocked
his
head, locked his empty eyes to mine, and bared a million teeth,
chuckling
wryly as he folded his hands.

"You should have stopped me at the dinner roll," he said.


WAKE UP AMERICA !!!


ham1198
169 posts
msg #91204
Ignore ham1198
4/15/2010 8:24:30 AM

I took my Dad to the mall the other day to buy some new shoes (he is 66).


We decided to grab a bite at the food court.


I noticed he was watching a teenager sitting next to him.


The teenager had spiked hair in all different colours - green, red, orange, and blue.


My Dad kept staring at her.


The teenager kept looking and would find my Dad staring every time.


When the teenager had had enough, she sarcastically asked: “What's the matter old man, never done anything wild in your life?”


Knowing my Dad, I quickly swallowed my food so that I would not choke on his response; I knew he would have a good one!


In classic style he responded without batting an eyelid …………


“Took acid once and screwed a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my daughter."


crunkle
54 posts
msg #91270
Ignore crunkle
4/16/2010 11:52:17 AM



Here's a prime example of 'Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus' offered by an English professor from the University of Phoenix .

The professor told his class one day, 'Today we will experiment with a new form called the tandem story. The process is simple. Each person will pair off with the person sitting to his or her immediate right. As homework tonight, one of you will write the first paragraph of a short story. You will e-mail your partner that paragraph and send another copy to me. The partner will read the first paragraph and then add another paragraph to the story and send it back, also sending another copy to me. The first person will then add a third paragraph, and so on back-and-forth. Remember to re-read what has been written each time in order to keep the story coherent. There is to be absolutely NO talking outside of the e-mails and anything you wish to say must be written in the e-mail. The story is over when both agree a conclusion has been reached.'

The following was actually turned in by two of his English students: Rebecca and Gary.

-------------------------------------------

(first paragraph by Rebecca)

At first, Laurie couldn't decide which kind of tea she wanted. The chamomile, which used to be her favorite for lazy evenings at home, now reminded her too much of Carl, who once said, in happier times, that he liked chamomile. But she felt she must now, at all costs, keep her mind off Carl. His possessiveness was suffocating, and if she thought about him too much her asthma started acting up again. So chamomile was out of the question.


(second paragraph by Gary )

Meanwhile, Advance Sergeant Carl Harris, leader of the attack squadron now in orbit over Skylon 4, had more important things to think about than the neuroses of an air-headed asthmatic bimbo named Laurie with whom he had spent one sweaty night over a year ago. 'A.S. Harris to Geostation 17,' he said into his transgalactic communicator. 'Polar orbit established. No sign of resistance so far...' But before he could sign off a bluish particle beam flashed out of nowhere and blasted a hole through his ship's cargo bay. The jolt from the direct hit sent him flying out of his seat and across the cockpit.


(Rebecca)

He bumped his head and died almost immediately, but not before he felt one last pang of regret for psychically brutalizing the one woman who had ever had feelings for him. Soon afterwards, Earth stopped its pointless hostilities towards the peaceful farmers of Skylon 4. 'Congress Passes Law Permanently Abolishing War and Space Travel,' Laurie read in her newspaper one morning. The news simultaneously excited her and bored her. She stared out the window, dreaming of her youth, when the days had passed unhurriedly and carefree, with no newspaper to read, no television to distract her from her sense of innocent wonder at all the beautiful things around her. 'Why must one lose one's innocence to become a woman?' she wondered wistfully..

( Gary )

Little did she know, but she had less than 10 seconds to live. Thousands of miles above the city, the Anu'udrian mothership launched the first of its lithium fusion missiles. The dim-witted wimpy peaceniks who pushed the
Unilateral Aerospace disarmament Treaty through the congress had left Earth a defenseless target for the hostile alien empires who were determined to destroy the human race. Within two hours after the passage of the treaty the Anu'udrian ships were on course for Earth, carrying enough firepower to pulverize the entire planet. With no one to stop them, they swiftly initiated their diabolical plan.. The lithium fusion missile entered the atmosphere unimpeded. The President, in his top-secret mobile submarine headquarters on the ocean floor off the coast of Guam , felt the
inconceivably massive explosion, which vaporized poor, stupid Laurie.

(Rebecca)

This is absurd. I refuse to continue this mockery of literature. My writing partner is a violent, chauvinistic semi-literate adolescent.

( Gary )

Yeah? Well, my writing partner is a self-centered tedious neurotic whose attempts at writing are the literary equivalent of Valium. 'Oh, shall I have chamomile tea? Or shall I have some other sort of F****** TEA??? Oh no, what am I to do? I'm such an air headed bimbo who reads too many Danielle Steele novels!'

(Rebecca)

A**hole

( Gary )

Bitch!

(Rebecca)

F*** YOU - YOU NEANDERTHAL!


( Gary )

Go drink some tea - whore.


(TEACHER)


A+ I really liked this one.




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