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msummer2007
129 posts
msg #55489
Ignore msummer2007
10/3/2007 10:51:39 AM

LOL I guess you fit all the qualifying criteria. Only one thing holding you back, your not muslim!!!!

msummer2007
129 posts
msg #55532
Ignore msummer2007
10/4/2007 11:19:54 PM

Subject: Why men don't usually write Advice Columns...

Walter advertised his Problem Page to various syndicated newspapers and finally one agreed to host his column....up until he received his first letter!
Dear Walter: I hope you can help me here. The other day I set off for work lea
ving my husband in the house watching the TV as usual. I hadn't gone more than a few hundred yards down the road when my engine konked out and the car shuddered to a halt. I walked back home to get my husband's help. When I got home I couldn't believe my eyes. He was parading in front of the wardrobe mirror dressed in my underwear and high-heel shoes,and he was wearing my make up.I am 32, my husband is 34 and we have been married for twelve years. When I confronted him, he tried to make out that he had dressed in my lingerie because he couldn't find his own underwear. But when I asked him about the make up, he broke down and admitted that he'd been wearing my clothes for six months. I told him to stop or I would leave him. He was let go from his job six months ago and he says he has been feeling increasingly depressed and worthless. I love him very much, but ever since I gave him the ultimatum he has become increasingly distant. I don't feel I can get through to him anymore. Can you please help?

Sincerely,Mrs. Sheila Usk

Dear Sheila: A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking that there is no debris in the fuel line. If it is clear,check the jubilee clips holding the vacuum pipes onto the inlet manifold. If none of these approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty,causing low delivery pressure to the carburetor float chamber.I hope this helps.

Walter


johnpaulca
10,080 posts
msg #55539
Ignore johnpaulca
10/5/2007 8:54:10 AM

There was a blonde and a brunette in an elevator. On their way down, they stop to pick up another person also on their way down. When the person got on, the girls noticed that he was pretty cute. Unfortunately he had dandruff. Finally, on the way off of the elevator the two girls let the guy go ahead of them. The brunette turns to the blonde and says "Oh my god! We need to give him Head and Shoulders." The blonde then replies "That's a pretty good idea, but how are we going to give him shoulders?"

johnpaulca
10,080 posts
msg #55556
Ignore johnpaulca
10/5/2007 9:03:45 PM

NEVER SAY TO A COP
1. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer. (OK in Texas )

2. Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.

3.Aren't you the guy from the Village People?

4. Hey, you must've been doin' about 125 mph to keep up with me. Good job!

5. Are You Andy or Barney?

6. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a police officer.

7. You're not gonna check the trunk, are you?

8. I pay your salary!

9. Gee, Office r! That's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning, too!

10. Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.
11. I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there are no other
cars around.. That's how far ahead of me they are.

12. When the Officer says "Gee Your eyes look red, have you been drinking?" You probably shouldn't respond with,"Gee Officer your eyes look glazed, have you been eating doughnuts?"


conyeuchua
83 posts
msg #55975
Ignore conyeuchua
modified
10/23/2007 11:53:14 PM

“Actually, just look at what Osama — Barack Obama said just yesterday," "Barack Obama calling on radicals, jihadists of all different types, to come together in Iraq. That is the battlefield."

Former Massachusetts Gov. Mitt Romney
in a speech before the Chamber of Commerce
in Greenwood, South Carolina
October 23, 2007


"Apparently, Mitt Romney can switch names just as casually as he switches positions"
Bill Burton, a spokesman for Barack Obama


Osama bin Laden hasn't said anything yet. He is too busy making more videotapes for YouTube.




johnpaulca
10,080 posts
msg #58293
Ignore johnpaulca
12/19/2007 1:40:39 PM

GRANDPA STILL DRIVES

He is eighty-eight years old and still drives his own car. He writes:

Dear Granddaughter:
The other day I went up to our local Christian book store and saw a
HONK IF YOU LOVE JESUS bumper sticker. I was feeling particularly
sassy that day because I had just come from a thrilling choir
performance, followed by a thunderous prayer meeting. So, I bought
the sticker and put it on my bumper.
Boy, am I glad I did, what an uplifting experience that followed.
I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in
thought about the Lord and how good he is, and I didn't notice that
the light had changed. It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus
because if he hadn't honked, I'd never have noticed. I found that
lots of people love Jesus! While I was sitting there, the guy behind
started honking like crazy, and then he leaned out of his window and
screamed, for the love of God! Go! Go! Go! Jesus Christ, GO! What an
exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus! Everyone started honking!
I just leaned out my window and started waving and smiling at all
those loving people. I even honked my horn a few times to share in
the love!
There must have been a man from Florida back there because I heard
him yelling something about a sunny beach. I saw another guy waving
in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air. I
asked my young teenage grandson in the seat beside me what that meant. He said it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something. Well, I
have never met anyone from Hawaii, so I leaned out the window and
gave him the good luck sign right back. My grandson burst out
laughing. Why even he was enjoying this religious experience!!
A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment
that they got out of their cars and started walking towards me. I
bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is
when I noticed the light had changed. So, I waved at all my brothers and sisters grinning, and drove on through the intersection. I noticed that I was the only car that got through the intersection before the light changed again and felt kind of sad that I had to leave them after all the love we had
shared. So I slowed the car down, leaned out the window and gave
them all the Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away.
Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks!! Will write again soon.
Love, Grandpa

ham1198
169 posts
msg #58295
Ignore ham1198
12/19/2007 2:36:35 PM

THE DECISION
A man wakes up in the hospital, bandaged from head to foot.

The doctor comes in and says, 'Ah, I see you've regained consciousness. Now, you probably won't remember, but you were in a pile-up on the freeway. You're going to be okay, you'll walk again and everything, but..... Something happened. I'm trying to break this gently, but the fact is, your pecker was chopped off in the wreck, and we were unable to find it.'

The man groans, but the doctor goes on, 'You've got $9000 in insurance compensation coming to you, and we have the technology now to build you a new pecker that will work as well as your old one did - better in fact! But the thing is, it doesn't come cheap. It's $1000 an inch.'

The man perks up at this.

'So,' the doctor says, 'it's for you to decide how many inches you want. But it's something you'd better discuss with your wife. I mean, if you had a five inch one before, and you decide to go for a nine incher, she might be a bit put out. But if you had a nine inch one before, and you decide only to invest in a five incher this time, she might be disappointed. So it's important that she plays a role in helping you make the decision.'

The man agrees to talk with his wife. The doctor comes back the next day.

'So,' says the doctor, 'have you spoken with your wife?'

'I have,' says the man.

'And has she helped you in making the decision?'

'She has,' says the man.

'And what is it?' asks the doctor.

'We're getting a new kitchen.'

davesaint86
142 posts
msg #58297
Ignore davesaint86
12/19/2007 3:32:10 PM

A hunter was wadering through the woods looking for game to shoot. Suddendly he came upon a stark naked women. The hunter asked her if she was game. She replied yes. So he shot her.

Dave

ham1198
169 posts
msg #58313
Ignore ham1198
12/20/2007 8:04:18 AM

A store that sells new husbands has just opened in New York City, where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:

You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:

Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs.

She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.

'That's nice', she thinks, 'but I want more.'

So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:

Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.

'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.

'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!'

Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.

PLEASE NOTE:

To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street.

The first floor has wives that love sex.

The second floor has wives that love sex and have money.

The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.


conyeuchua
83 posts
msg #58490
Ignore conyeuchua
modified
12/24/2007 9:45:16 PM

Ho Ho Ho

Source: http://patrick.net/housing/MrHousingBubble2.gif




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