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johnpaulca
10,082 posts
msg #59654
Ignore johnpaulca
2/13/2008 8:59:35 AM

These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.

____________________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?

WITNESS: No, I just lie there.

____________________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?

WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

______________________________________

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?

WITNESS: Yes.

ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?

WITNESS: I forget.

ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?

_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?

WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'

ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?

WITNESS: My name is Susan!

_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?

WITNESS: We both do.

ATTORNEY: Voodoo?

WITNESS: We do.

ATTORNEY: You do?

WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.

______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?

WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?

____________________________________

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-one-year-old, how old is he?

WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty-one.

________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?

WITNESS: Are you shitt'in me?

______________________________________

ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?

WITNESS: Yes.

ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?

WITNESS: Uh.... I was gett'in laid!

______________________________________

ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?

WITNESS: Yes.

ATTORNEY: How many were boys?

WITNESS: None.

ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?

WITNESS: Are you kidding? Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?

______________________________________

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?

WITNESS: By death.

ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?

WITNESS: Now, whose death do you suppose terminated it?

_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?

WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.

ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?

WITNESS: Guess.

_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?

WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?

WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people. Would you like to rephrase that?

______________________________________

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?

WITNESS: Oral.

______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?

WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.

ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?

WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table, wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him!

____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?

WITNESS: Huh....are you qualified to ask that question?

______________________________________

--- And the best for last: ---

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?

WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.

ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?

WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

johnpaulca
10,082 posts
msg #59929
Ignore johnpaulca
2/25/2008 12:36:01 PM

A new addition to Chemistry's Periodic Table

Research has led to the discovery of the heaviest element yet known to
science. The new element, Governmentium (Gv), has one neuron, 25
assistant neurons, 88 deputy neurons, and 198 assistant deputy neurons,
giving it an atomic mass of 312.

These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons, which
are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called
peons. Since Governmentium has no electrons, it is inert; however, it
can be detected, because it impedes every action with which it comes
into contact. A minute amount of Governmentium can cause a reaction
that would normally take less than a second to take from four days to
four years to complete.

Governmentium has a normal half-life of 2-6 years; it does not decay,
but instead undergoes a reorganization in which a portion of the
assistant neurons and deputy neurons exchange places. In fact,
Governmentium's mass will actually increase over time, since each
reorganization will cause more morons to become neurons, forming
isodopes. This characteristic of moron promotion leads some scientists
to believe that Governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a
critical concentration. This hypothetical quantity is
referred to as critical morass. When catalyzed with money,
Governmentium becomes Administratium, an element that radiates just as
much energy as Governmentium since it has half as many peons but twice
as many morons.

futuremoney
27 posts
msg #59992
Ignore futuremoney
2/26/2008 10:42:32 PM

The boss came into the office the other day sporting a snappy new suit.

"Nice threads," I commented. "Where'd you pick 'em up?"

He beamed self satisfied, "My wife got them for me. Pretty sharp, huh?"

"Not bad. What was the occasion?"

"Got me," admitted the boss with a cheerful shrug. "I came home from work early the
other day and there they were, hanging over the chair in the bedroom."


futuremoney
27 posts
msg #59993
Ignore futuremoney
2/26/2008 10:44:56 PM

Now, this is funny!




A man was in a long line at Wal-mart. As he got to the register he realized
he had forgotten to get condoms, so he asked the checkout girl if she could
have some brought up to the register.



She asked, 'What size condoms?'



The customer replied that he didn't know. She asked him to drop his pants.
He did.



She reached over the counter, grabbed hold of him and called over the
intercom, 'One box of large condoms, Register
5.'




The next man in line thought this was interesting, and like most of us, was
up for a cheap thrill.



When he got up to the register, he told the checker that he too had

forgotten to get condoms, and asked if she could have some brought to the
register for him.



She asked him what size, and he stated that he didn't know. She asked him to
drop his pants. He did.




She gave him a quick feel, picked up the intercom and said, 'One box of
medium-sized condoms, Register 5.'




A few customers back was this teenage boy. He thought what he had seen was
way too cool. He had never had any type of sexual contact with a live
female, so he thought this was his chance.



When he got to the register he told the checker he needed some condoms.




She asked him what size and he said he didn't know.? She asked him to drop
his pants and he did. She reached over the counter, gave him a

quick squeeze, then picked up the intercom and said...






(you'll love this one...................)









'Cleanup, Register 5'

johnpaulca
10,082 posts
msg #60169
Ignore johnpaulca
3/4/2008 9:17:43 AM

Two bees met in a field. One said to the other, "How are things going?"



"Really bad," said the second bee. "The weather has been cold, wet and

damp, and there aren't any flowers, so I can't make honey."



"No problem," said the first bee. "Just fly down five blocks and turn

left. Keep going until you see all the cars. There's a Bar Mitzvah going

on and there are all kinds of fresh flowers and fresh fruit."



"Thanks for the tip," said the second bee, and flew away.



A few hours later the two bees ran into each other again. The first bee

asked, "How'd it go?"



"Great!" said the second bee. "It was everything you said it would be.

There was plenty of fruit and, oh, such huge floral arrangements on

every table."



"Uh, what's that thing on your head?" asked the first bee.



"That's my yarmulke," said the second bee. "I didn't want them to think

I was a wasp."

msummer2007
129 posts
msg #60341
Ignore msummer2007
3/10/2008 12:13:25 PM




While walking down the street one day a US senator is tragically hit by a

truck and dies.



His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.



"Welcome to heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems

there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you

see, so we're not sure what to do with you."



"No problem, just let me in," says the senator.



"Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is

have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose

where to spend eternity."



"Reall y, I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven," says the

senator.



"I'm sorry, but we have our rules."



And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down,

down, down to hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front

of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him.



Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake

his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich

at the expense of the people.



They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and

champagne.



Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly guy who has a

good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time

that before he realizes it, it is time to go.



Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises...



The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on heaven where St.

Peter is waiting for him.



"Now it's time to visit heaven."



So, 24 hours pass with the senator joining a group of contented souls

moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a

good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St.

Peter returns.



"Well, then, you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose

your eternity."



The senator reflects for a minute, then answers: "Well, I would never

have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I

would be better off in hell."



So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to

hell.



Now the doors of the elevator open and he's in the middle of a barren land

covered with waste and garbage.



He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting

it in black bags as more trash falls from above.



The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder. "I

don't understand," stammers the senator. "Yesterday I was here and there

was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank

champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland

full of garbage and my friends look miserable. "What happened?"



The devil looks at him, smiles and says.......



"Yesterday we were campaigning. Today you voted."

zeezeetop
30 posts
msg #60354
Ignore zeezeetop
3/11/2008 6:45:52 AM

Back to Futuremoney's account of Walmart's sales strategy. It's starting to make sense. Walmart has improved it's returns selling condoms, hence the increase in stock price. They are buying less from China and consuming more oil with condom sales, so oil goes up. Is it really a WAREHOUSE in the back of each store? Ya think Elliot Spitzer was a Walmart customer in his youth... and/or possibly as an adult ?

johnpaulca
10,082 posts
msg #62397
Ignore johnpaulca
5/9/2008 8:58:54 AM

--- removed by administrator ---

johnpaulca
10,082 posts
msg #62398
Ignore johnpaulca
5/9/2008 9:09:28 AM

A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost. He reduced altitude
and spotted a woman below. He descended a bit more and shouted,

"Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an
hour ago but I don't know where I am."

The woman below replied, "You're in a hot air balloon hovering
approximately 30 feet above the ground. You're between 40 and 41
degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude."

"You must be in Information Technology," said the balloonist.

"I am," replied the woman, "how did you know?"

"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is probably
technically correct, but I've no idea what to make of your information
and the fact is, I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help at
all. If anything, you've delayed my trip."

The woman below responded, "You must be in Management."

"I am," replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?"

"Well," said the woman, "you don't know where you are or where you're
going. You have risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot
air. You made a promise, which you've no idea how to keep, and you
expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are
in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now,
somehow, it's my f**king fault."

TheRumpledOne
6,358 posts
msg #62511
Ignore TheRumpledOne
modified
5/12/2008 1:24:41 PM

---- removed by administrator ---

Sorry :(

StockFetcher Forums · General Discussion · JOKES<< 1 ... 7 8 9 10 11 ... 26 >>Post Follow-up

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