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johnpaulca
10,080 posts
msg #84369
Ignore johnpaulca
12/13/2009 5:42:12 PM

Early Dismissal






It is near the Christmas break of the school year. The
students have
turned in all their work and there is really nothing
more to do. All the
children are restless and the teacher decides to have an early
dismissal.

Teacher: "Whoever answers the questions I ask, first
and correctly can
leave early today."

Little Johnny says to himself "Good, I want to get
outta here. I'm smart
and will answer the question."

Teacher: "Who said 'Four Score and Seven Years Ago'?"

Before Johnny can open his mouth, Susie says, "Abraham Lincoln."

Teacher: "That's right Susie, you can go home."

Johnny is mad that Susie answered the question first.

Teacher: "Who said 'I Have a Dream'?"

Before Johnny can open his mouth, Mary says, "Martin
Luther King."

Teacher: "That's right Mary, you can go."

Johnny is even madder than before.

Teacher: "Who said 'Ask not, what your country can do for you'?"

Before Johnny can open his mouth, Nancy says, "John F. Kennedy."

Teacher: "That's right Nancy, you may also leave."

Johnny is boiling mad that he has not been able to
answer to any of the
questions.

When the teacher turns her back Johnny says, "I wish
these bitches would
keep their mouths shut!"

The teacher turns around: "NOW WHO SAID THAT?"

Johnny: "TIGER WOODS. CAN I GO NOW?"


johnpaulca
10,080 posts
msg #84395
Ignore johnpaulca
12/14/2009 11:06:31 AM

Old Fart Football

An old married couple no sooner hit the pillows when the old man
passes gas and says, ‘Seven Points.'

His wife rolls over and says, 'What in the world was that?'
The old man replied, 'its fart football.'

A few minutes later his wife lets one go and says ‘Touchdown, tie
score.'

After about five minutes the old man lets another one go and says,
'Aha. I'm ahead 14 to 7.'

Not to be outdone the wife rips out another one and says,
'Touchdown, tie score.'
Five seconds go by and she lets out a little squeaker and says,
'Field goal, I lead 17 to 14.' Now the pressure is on the old man.

He refuses to get beaten by a woman, so he strains real hard.
Since defeat is totally unacceptable, he gives it everything he's
got, and accidentally shits in the bed.

The wife says, 'What the hell was that?'

The old man says, 'Half time, switch sides.



Eman93
4,571 posts
msg #84420
Ignore Eman93
12/14/2009 7:16:04 PM



stratiG
147 posts
msg #84453
Ignore stratiG
12/15/2009 11:35:54 AM

Love it, hoser.

"If I didn't have puke breath, I'd kiss you. " From Doug.

crunkle
54 posts
msg #84459
Ignore crunkle
modified
12/15/2009 2:02:01 PM

deleted (was posted previously)

TheRumpledOne
6,358 posts
msg #84681
Ignore TheRumpledOne
12/19/2009 12:38:08 AM

I loved the GREAT WHITE NORTH!!

johnpaulca
10,080 posts
msg #84861
Ignore johnpaulca
12/23/2009 12:21:48 PM

9 months later!!!
>
> John decided to go skiing with his buddy, Keith.
> So they loaded up John's minivan and headed north.
>
> After driving for a few hours, they got caught in
> a terrible blizzard. So they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the
> attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.
>
> 'I realize its terrible weather out there and I
> have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed,' she
> explained. 'I'm afraid the neighbours will talk if I let you stay in my
> house.'
>
> 'Don't worry,' John said. 'We'll be happy to sleep
> in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light.' The
> lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for
> the night.
>
> Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they
> got on their way.
> They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.
>
> But about nine months later, John got an
> unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it
> out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that
> attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend.
>
> He dropped in on his friend Keith and asked,
> 'Keith, do youremember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on
> our ski holiday up north about 9 months ago?'
>
> 'Yes, I do.' Said Keith.
>
> 'Did you, err, happen to get up in the middle of
> the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?'
>
> 'Well, um, yes!' Keith said, a little embarrassed
> about being found out, 'I have to admit that I did.'
>
> 'And did you happen to give her my name instead of
> telling her your name?'
>
> Keith's face turned beet red and he said,
> 'Yeah, look, I'm sorry, buddy. I'm afraid I did.'
> 'Why do you ask?'
>
> 'She just died and left me everything.'

You guys thought it was............ (:

trendscanner
265 posts
msg #85471
Ignore trendscanner
1/3/2010 5:37:53 PM

I predict that in 10 years we'll look back at the upcoming decade with 2020 vision......

trendscanner
265 posts
msg #86002
Ignore trendscanner
1/12/2010 8:02:09 AM

For those of you who fly a lot......


After every flight, UPS pilots fill out a form, called a 'gripe sheet,' which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight.

Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by UPS ' pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers.

By the way, UPS runs the only major airline that has never, ever, had an accident.

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit
S: Something tightened in cockpit

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what friction locks are for.

P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search

P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget
pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.


luc1grunt
622 posts
msg #86492
Ignore luc1grunt
1/18/2010 12:11:51 PM

I took a 9 to 5 job in Vegas

I didn't like the job, but the odds were great.

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