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karennma
6,386 posts
msg #87472
Ignore karennma
1/30/2010 10:32:18 AM

It's Hell to be Old
OLD people have problems that you haven't even considered yet!

An 85-year-old man was requested by his
doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical
exam.

The doctor gave the man a jar and said, 'Take
this jar home and bring back a semen sample
tomorrow.'

The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared
at the doctor's office and gave him the jar,
which was as clean and empty as on the
previous day.

The doctor asked what happened and the man
explained, 'Well, doc, it's like this--first I tried
with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried
with my left hand, but still nothing.

'Then I asked my wife for help.. She tried with
her right hand, then with her left, still nothing.
She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in,
then with her teeth out, still nothing.

'We even called up Arleen, the lady next door
and she tried too, first with both hands, then an
armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between
her knees, but still nothing.'

The doctor was shocked!'You asked your
neighbor?'

The old man replied, 'Yep, none of us could get the jar open.'
















abelincoln
126 posts
msg #88128
Ignore abelincoln
2/11/2010 12:24:38 PM


2 things that irritate me crabs and Saraah Palin

abelincoln
126 posts
msg #88133
Ignore abelincoln
2/11/2010 12:49:12 PM

funny dream

I dreamt last night that I just got into a long position and it went down almost to zero, in minutes,what do I do cover for a loss or wait for rise... couldn't figure out what was happening, then realized it could only be one thing, naked short selling...it just wouldn't stop going down

I'm sure someone will find it funny

I got to get to bed earlier and stop snacking on Entenmanns late at nite:-)

maybe tonight, I'm a naked short, and the only thing left will be my shorts after a buy-in, lol



johnpaulca
10,087 posts
msg #88753
Ignore johnpaulca
2/25/2010 7:14:43 PM

This could happen to you.

I was barely sitting down when I heard a voice from the other toilet saying:
'Hi, how are you?'

I'm not the type to start a conversation in the restroom but I don't know what got into me, so I answered, somewhat embarrassed,
'Doin' just fine!'

And the other person says:
'So what are you up to?'

What kind of question is that? At that point, I'm thinking this is too bizarre so I say:
'Uhhh, I'm like you, just traveling!'

At this point I am just trying to get out as fast as I can when I hear another question.
'Can I come over?'

Ok, this question is just too weird for me but I figured I could just be polite and end the conversation. I tell them
'No..I'm a little busy right now!!!'


Then I hear the person say nervously...


'Listen, I'll have to call you back. There's an idiot in the other toilet who keeps answering all my questions.'


four
3,276 posts
msg #88833
Ignore four
2/27/2010 2:18:43 PM

YOU KNOW YOU ARE LIVING IN 2010 when...

1. You accidentally enter your password on the microwave...

2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.

3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3.

4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you...

5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that they don't have e-mail addresses .

6. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home to help you carry in the groceries.

7. Every commercial on television has a web site at the bottom of the screen.

8. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't have the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic and you turn around to go and get it.

10. You get up in the morning and go on line before getting your coffee.

11. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. : )

12.. You're reading this and nodding and laughing.

13. Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to forward this message.

14. You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this list.

15. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a #9 on this list.

AND NOW U R LAUGHING AT YOURSELF

abelincoln
126 posts
msg #88866
Ignore abelincoln
2/28/2010 6:45:15 PM

Good one four

karennma
6,386 posts
msg #88867
Ignore karennma
2/28/2010 6:47:13 PM

"6. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home to help you carry in the groceries. "
================================================================================================

ROFLMAO!!




abelincoln
126 posts
msg #88869
Ignore abelincoln
2/28/2010 7:00:51 PM

Marriage Humour

--------------------------------------------------------

A newly married man asked his wife, 'Would you have married me if my father hadn't left me a fortune?'

'Honey,' the woman replied sweetly, 'I'd have married you, NO MATTER WHO LEFT YOU A FORTUNE!'

-------------------------------

Wife: 'You always carry my photo in your wallet.. Why?'

Hubby: 'When there is a problem, no matter how great, I look at your picture and the problem disappears.'

Wife: 'You see how miraculous and powerful I am for you?'

Hubby: 'Yes! I see your picture and ask myself what other problem can there be greater than this one?'

--------------------------------------------------------


Wife: 'What are you doing?'

Husband: Nothing.

Wife: 'Nothing...? You've been reading our marriage certificate for an hour.'

Husband: 'I was looking for the expiration date.'

-------------------------------

Wife : 'Do you want dinner?'

Husband: 'Sure! What are my choices?'

Wife: 'Yes or no.'

------------------------------------------------------------

Girl to her boyfriend: One kiss and I'll be yours forever.

The guy replies: 'Thanks for the early warning.'

-------------------------------

A wife asked her husband: 'What do you like most in me, my pretty face or my sexy body?'

He looked at her from head to toe and replied: 'I like your sense of humor!'


-------------------------------

A man was sitting reading his papers when his wife hit him on the head with a frying pan.

'What was that for?' the man asked.

The wife replied 'That was for the piece of paper with the name Jenny on it that I found in your pants pocket'.

The man then said 'When I was at the races last week Jenny was the name of the horse I bet on'

The wife apologized and went on with the housework.

Three days later the man is watching TV when his wife bashes him on the head with an even bigger frying pan, knocking

him unconscious.

Upon re-gaining consciousness the man asked why she had hit again.

Wife replied. 'Your horse phoned'


abelincoln
126 posts
msg #88870
Ignore abelincoln
2/28/2010 7:02:18 PM

Take my wife, please!


-Henny Youngman

abelincoln
126 posts
msg #88872
Ignore abelincoln
2/28/2010 7:22:47 PM

Getting on a plane, I told the ticket lady, "Send one of my bags to New York, send one to Los Angeles, and send one to Miami." She said, "We can't do that!" I told her, "You did it last week!"

-----------------------------------

A man is at the bar, drunk. I pick him up off the floor, and offer to take him home. On the way to my car, he falls down three times. When I get to his house, I help him out of the car, and on the way to the front door, he falls down four more times. I ring the bell and say, "Here's your husband!" The man's wife says, "Where's his wheelchair?"

-----------------------------------

The Doctor called Mrs. Cohen saying, "Mrs. Cohen, your check came back." Mrs. Cohen answered, "So did my arthritis!"

-----------------------------------

A man goes to a psychiatrist. "Nobody listens to me!" The doctor says, "Next!"

-----------------------------------

Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won't be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did.
-----------------------------------
Wife Joke

She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, "Am I too late for the garbage?" "No, jump in!"

-----------------------------------

2 Guys in a health club, one is putting on pantyhose. "Since when do you wear pantyhose?" "Since my wife found it in the glove compartment!"

-----------------------------------

A guy complains of a headache. Another guy says, "Do what I do. I put my head on my wife's bosom, and the headache goes away." The next day, the man says, "Did you do what I told you to?" "Yes, I sure did. By the way, you have a nice house!"

-----------------------------------

A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge say,s "You've been brought here for drinking." The drunk says, "Okay, let's get started."

-----------------------------------



**** Henny Youngman (King of one liners) ****

StockFetcher Forums · General Discussion · JOKES<< 1 ... 16 17 18 19 20 ... 26 >>Post Follow-up

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